What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 23.06.2025 00:30
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
All the time i was locked up.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She found it foreign!.
How come Jesus died on Friday and rose on Sunday? That's not 3 days and three nights.
When she asked me how she looked .
I was very sick at this time too.
But it wasn’t much.
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And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Ive learnt so much.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
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But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I have no regrets .
Especially a lifetime of it.
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As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I could never make a relationship work though!
Was to survive, this bastard.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
It was going to be , some day.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Who then, do I blame.?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She wouldn,t have been !
I waited trembling.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I write beautiful poetry .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
We all went to grammer schools
So, i spoilt her more .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My life is so biszare .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I said to her
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
One cannot live in the past .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But, we were locked up after school.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She married twice! .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
This is soul school!.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I was seconnd youngest,
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He resisted the act ,that day.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I don,t even have a pension.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I was scared of men, in general
And i lived it daily.
We were not on the streets..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She loved him until the end.
Comes on , in middle age.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
My family never makes their pension either.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I couldn’t, believe it.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
As i do to all so called friends.?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She was in good health!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
What did i know ?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
(And it was in our own minds.)
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I will be 64.
He knew the spot.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
So whats the point in blame.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I was 9 years of age.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I never cut or harmed myself..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Im still living with it.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Put me off passion for life!!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I think the readers, may guess!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Would this be the day?
I had hoped to write a book about this .